Hello,
How hard should the barbell be against my shins with the deadlift? How hard should the knees be against the inner elbows? I know the knees should be turned outward and stay against the inner elbows.
There should be consistent contact, but you do not need to aggressively force these things. See my answer to your other question for additional advice; it sounds like you would benefit from a form check with one of our coaches.